Losing you was devastating. Not just life changing, but earth shattering. You were my biggest cheerleader and the one I ran to for everything. I didn’t just lose a mom. I lost a friend, a mentor and my safety blanket. Everyone assumes that I’m the strong one who always has her stuff together. Strong people need to feel safe too.
I’m hurting so badly that I’ve been struggling to put it into words. Planning your celebration of life with John and Cassie was a wonderful healing experience for me. And the joy that came from the “Cupid Shuffle” on Grandpa’s lawn was exactly what I needed. But that all came and went so quickly. It’s been 2 weeks and I’m still having a hard time accepting that you’re gone. I can feel myself shutting down…
I went back to work last Monday and threw myself right into the throws of planning an application launch. It felt good. It was a nice distraction… so I thought. Now I realize that I wasn’t feeling good because I was better, but because I was distracted with something that felt better.
I can’t keep living my life like this; letting it pass me by. I am going to start living the life you wanted for me. I am going to be the person you taught me to be. I will follow my heart and let my passions, mind, body and support network be my guide.
I will make time to be alone with my thoughts and feelings. I will not push them aside. I will not stuff them into that dark black hole; I will allow myself to feel and process. I will strive to help others do the same every single day of my life. I will not become distracted by the day-to-day activities that society expects.
I will stop consuming the junk that is harming my body and I will take care of myself so that I can live to see 100! I will put effort into keeping my mind and body healthy every day, no matter how I’m feeling. I will not hide my health issues, risks and scares from my family. I will let my family help and I will communicate what I need from them.
I will treat others the way I would like to be treated and with the utmost respect. I will manage my emotions without projecting, deflecting or reacting. I will give onto others without expecting in return, but I will also become better at receiving.
I will love openly and honestly; leading with trust and empathy.
I will be there for the people that I love. Not just sometimes or between meetings, but always. I will be the one that they come to when they have good or bad news to share and they will never have to worry about whether or not I got their back. I will help them solve problems and I will help guide them to their passions.
I will do everything I can to keep the bond that you created. I will take care of my big brother and my little sister because you entrusted me to support them. I will never let them fall without being there to catch. I will let them take care of me in the same ways because they love me too.
I will make sure my family knows how much they mean to me.
I will do GOOD in my community by cleaning up our rivers and woods, volunteering my time and working to make our community a better place. I will be seen, but not heard for all good deeds should be done in secret.
I will think before I respond and seek advice when I need counsel. I will lean on my support network instead of trying to be a lone wolf. I will not drown my sorrows in my career. I will go with the flow and let my heart be my compass. I will talk with you often and I will always remember to take a moment to feel your love. I will carry on your values in everything I do and engrain them deep within your legacy. I will spread the love you taught me to give and I will show others how to find theirs.
I release that little girl inside who still feels scared, timid and ashamed. I release all the self doubt and negative hate talk that consumes my mind and controls my confidence. I release the fear of living my life without my mama. I release the guilt for not getting to say goodbye to you one last time. I release the shame for not showing you how much I love you while you were here to feel it. I release the chaos and mess that used to be my mind. I release the social anxiety and awkwardness from my personality. I release my inability to master my emotions and, most of all, I release my control issues.
I love you so much it hurts. Your unconditional love and unreasonably short time with us will always motivate me to be the person I’m meant to be.
Yours Truly,
Melissa
“The Good Girl”